Focus

This evening, I am writing this very late, and I am very tired. I haven't accomplished terribly much more today than I do on any other day, but I've been doing things all day. For instance, my grandfather sent me a link to an online jigsaw puzzle, and then I found out that I can do infinite numbers of puzzles. That's not really a for-instance, it's pretty much the only distraction I had today. I love and hate finding new computer games or other distractions. Love because I am amused or challenged or get to use my brain in new ways, and hate because, God, look at me. Think of how well I could have used that time instead. Think of how asleep I could be right now, how much shorter my list could be tomorrow, how much less frazzled I could be as I pack for the weekend tomorrow afternoon.

Things always turn out well for me. Somehow, the things I'm obliged to do get done, no matter how much time I spend on things no one holds me accountable for. This is very much a blessing, but I think it keeps me from reforming and saying a resounding "NO!" to these time-eaters. The best thing I can do, for now, is remind myself of the power of focus and the importance of my top priorities. I thought of this article from Utne, which is actually an excerpt from a book. It's stuck with me for months because it talks about the far-reaching effects of focus or lack thereof. I need this today, and maybe you do, too.

Spoiler Alert

I watched last week's The Office online last night, and wow, what a great thing. Just when it gets too awkward or I start not caring about it, they come up with something fabuloso. Warning: if you haven't seen it yet and don't want to know what happens, stop reading now! Tune in for tomorrow's post, but skip this one!

So Michael asks Holly to marry him. At first, he wants to spell out the question in gasoline in the parking lot and light it on fire, but Pam catches him and calls a meeting to come up with a safe, reasonable proposal. In the end, Michael takes Holly on a tour of the office, telling her what happened in each spot: "I first saw you through these blinds," "This is where we first kissed," that kind of thing. Then he tells her the next part is going to be the biggest challenge to their relationship and goes through one set of doors, I think to the annex, and there's everyone from the office standing in two rows with a path between them, each holding a candle. "Will you marry me?" asks Phyllis. "No," says Holly. "Will you marry me?" asks Stanley. "No," says Holly, and so on as Holly and Michael walk down the line.

They go through another set of doors into Holly's office, which is full of candles. Michael goes down on one knee, and Holly kneels as well. He pulls out the ring, which is gigantic because he thought three years' salary was standard. He asks her to marry him in Yoda-talk, and she responds in kind. The sprinklers go off because of the candles, and they kiss in the "rain."

Here's a vid:

I'm sorry it's kinda cut off on the side. Here's the link in case you'd rather see it the regular way.

I'm not just sharing this because I'm obsessed with The Office. There's a lesson. God is always leading us through a gauntlet of competing loyalties. There are always people, or ideas, or groups, or other forces on either side of us asking us to commit to them, to love them, to follow them with our hearts and act accordingly. But we can't say yes to all of them, and if we want to be with God, we can't say yes to any of them. Even if you're not following God, you can think the same way about whatever it is you do commit to--your writing, art, studies, family, friends, sport, business. There will be challenges to your single-mindedness. Your role is to limit your yeses and choose them wisely. I believe strongly in the power of "yes" and the need to say it more often, but when it comes to the big questions, we have to be cautious sometimes. Otherwise, we will be drawn and quartered, pulled in opposite directions until we're torn apart. Committing to only one thing can keep us whole and healthy, moving in one direction to the delight of all.

Short and Sweet

Childlike is different from childish.
Carefree is different from careless.
That is all for today.

Feeding of the Five

This month has been March Madness at youth group, in which we make a special effort to pump up attendance and bring canned goods to donate. Yesterday, we capped off the month by feeding the hungry at Hallyburton Park. The other adults had gotten the word out with flyers and invitations to various groups whose members might be in need of a good meal. We got hot dogs and fixings, sweet tea, and everything else one needs for a great cook-out.

Then we woke up on Sunday morning. It was cold. Overcast. Very much threatening rain, and the threat came true. We had said "rain or shine," and we had to stick to it. Luckily, the kids had music practice beforehand, so they were already a captive audience and rode the church bus to the park. But youth and counselors far outnumbered the guests; there were maybe eight of them? It was extremely cold. We had a shelter, but the air itself was damp. The food was delicious, and we had fun. But I'm sure I'm not the only one who was disappointed with the turnout. Not that I blame them.

As part of this food-focused month, I did a talk on the feeding of the 5,000/4,000 (there are two different instances with different numbers). Jesus took tiny amounts of food and made them into enough for the crowds. I talked about how this is the only miracle the average person can actively participate in. We can't heal, we can't turn water into wine, but we can feed the hungry. We can give at least a little of our plenty to those who have less.

The hard part is, the need is no less present and pressing for one person, or eight, than it is for five thousand. We didn't get a big shebang last night. It wasn't a glorious event in which hundreds, or even dozens, came and were fed. It was just another night at the park, just another cookout, just another meal. But even though not very many people came, they were still helped. They got a meal they might not otherwise have gotten, and some of them took home leftovers too. So a good deed doesn't have to be, actually shouldn't be, a roaring success of an event. It can be routine, nonchalant, even in some ways a disappointment. In thinking big, we sometimes forget to think small: each life touched is a success. Period. It's not a numbers game, and it never will be. It's about paying attention to the needs around you and doing your best to meet them. We are very blessed to have so many opportunities to do so.

On Closing Doors

This morning, I hit snooze for a long time and then decided to skip the 8:30 service, which bought me an extra hour. I was even late to Sunday School! Watch out. This afternoon, I made a new chart for my Alton Brown eating plan, which I hadn't done in such an official manner since, oh, September. I got a star for today, which means I ate everything I'm supposed to. But I also ate a whole lot of cookies this afternoon, which means I can't have any more dessert all week. (In my modified-for-sanity plan, a small piece of dark chocolate is acceptable on a daily basis in addition to "dessert" once a week, which can mean a series of small items or one large thing. It's surprising how far just a little chocolate can go in curbing cravings.)

I was going to exercise this afternoon, but it was cold and damp out, and I have an aversion to exercising between two public appearances because I hate getting made up and hair did twice in one day. Blech. So, first thing tomorrow, no matter how cold, even if it's raining a little bit, I'm going out. I walked a fair amount on my trip but didn't run and certainly didn't eat healthily, so I'm reestablishing my good habits, and today was the beginning.

It occurred to me just today that Austin might be the happy medium between Richmond and New York. It's supposed to be pretty liberal but still has a Presbyterian foundation. In reputation for fun and, I'm guessing, in size, it's in between the other two cities. It has a two-week summer course where you hike and camp and learn about nature and spirituality (at least I think that's what you learn about; I stopped listening once he said "hike and camp for two weeks"). I still haven't heard whether I'm in. I'm mailing two of my "no"s tomorrow, to Princeton and to Iliff. It feels weird to put an end to a possibility, to a relationship really. I'm so used to broadening searches, keeping options open, waiting to see, needing to hear from someone else as opposed to being the one to say the word, that it feels highly unnatural to take this very tangible and final step of closing these doors. And for no reason that I can articulate, nothing but the blossoming feeling I get in my gut while visiting or thinking about other schools.

While I was working on my thesis, Philip told me at one point that it was time to close some doors, narrow my focus for the book. It hurt, but he was right, it was necessary. This is the same feeling. The good part is that I got into so many places and have so many options, and that I absolutely can't go wrong. I'm not going to be unhappy at any of these places, which is probably the most comforting thought of all. What a great privilege to go through this process, and to share it with you.

Pictures and Thoughts

A few images from the last legs of the trip:


New York knows how to do mosaics. Not a few subway stops had their names like this.

Here's a staircase at Union Theological Seminary in New York.

This was in the Boston subway, as you go down a set of stairs.

And this is something in Boston.

And now for our regularly scheduled programming:

Yesterday afternoon, my friend Peter called me while I was driving from one assignment/meeting to another. I stopped at a coffee shop, partly to avoid talking and driving at the same time and partly because it wasn't yet time for my next thing. I sat in the parking lot talking to him for a few minutes, then I went in, but I didn't get very far. The place was closed, apparently for painting. So I went back to my car and turned the key in the ignition and nothing happened. I wiggled the steering wheel. I tried it with my foot on the brake. I took the key out of the ignition, got out of the car, and got back in. Still nothing. So I called AAA and called the person I was supposed to meet. Took out my Harris Teeter bags and laid them on the ground so I could sit there and read. It was a nice day to be out of doors.

The nice man came and jumped the car, and I got home without a problem. But when I got here, it wouldn't start again. So I asked my roommate what one does in this situation, called Mom and Dad, and made a last-minute semi-appointment at the Honda place for this morning. So much for the day of mellow productivity I had planned for today. It wasn't so bad, though; I took my reading material, drank their free coffee, and got a new car battery. Afterward, I went to the grocery store and stocked up for just a little over half the full price, all told. Love it! It's super double coupon week.

I made some granola this afternoon for the first time in a long time. Got some reading done, and now after a little primping I'll be ready to go to an oyster roast, more for the company than for the bivalves.

I missed posting yesterday, due to nothing but neglicence. And car trouble. So let me say now that thesis readings are the best things in the world, and our creative writing program attracts brilliant, funny, big-hearted people and turns them out even better. What a privilege. I heard on Thursday night about a sketchy hitchhiking incident, a snow-and-ice rescue, a mob burning the home of a black woman for dating a white man, a southern boy's meeting with the Russian grad student who's running the psychology experiment he's part of, and two girls who are maybe in love in the midwestern winter when one of them gets involved with a paraplegic man. Where else can you get all that in one night, and so well done? Thank you, readers, writers, for sharing your talent and joy.

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggety-Jig

I rolled in at about 11 last night, neck and shoulders stiff from driving and, I'm pretty sure, lymph node overdrive. When you combine seven days of fast action, a mostly-carbs-and-sugars diet, lots of driving, and the effort to be all reflective and discerment-y, it's quite an assault on the immune system. Luckily, the before-bed Emergen-C, as usual, worked wonders. This morning, I felt as good as one could expect to feel.

Boston University School of Theology seems like it's not the place for me. There's nothing wrong with it, but I didn't get that flash of glee or giddiness upon arriving or at any other time. It feels pretty good to cross a place off my list.

Union Theological Seminary in New York is a wonderful place. My trip there involved the car, a bus, the AirTrain, a train, and the subway, as well as leaving my phone in the car and buying the wrong kind of ticket for the train. Once I arrived, things were much better. I had breakfast at a place across the street from the school, and man, do I ever love sipping coffee while looking out through a window in a big city.

Union is the oldest non-denominational school of theology in the country. Many films and TV shows have used the grounds to get the quitessential old-school academia feel, like A Beautiful Mind and Mona Lisa Smile. (I first typed "A Beulaville Mind." That's the town I work in. It would be a really different movie.) All the housing, classrooms, and offices are basically one big building, with a tunnel connecting some of them so you don't have to go outside if it's bad. Some of the professors live there too. They have a professor of Theological Librarianship. The class I visited was really entertaining and educational. Chapel was led by a student who had made her own oil paints from natural materials and had some paintings on display. There was a labyrinth made of soil. The school has one main entrance with 24-hour security. There's no class on Fridays. It's sort of part of Columbia University, so the 300-odd Union students have access to a lot of other classes, the library, the fitness center, and the resources of a much larger, very good school. Someone estimated that about half of Union's students are gay, and they come from all denominations. It was a very good experience. It seemed to have all the advantages of Princeton, like pretty buildings and preparation for all different kinds of careers. But it's easy to arrange an apartment, unlike at Princeton, and living in New York provides so many opportunities for ministry and puts you next to so many people in need. Princeton seems to have less of that.

So, I went to Princeton and thought that was it. Then I went to Union in New York and thought that was it. Then I went to Union in Richmond.

I arrived really late, around 11 p.m., after a full day in New York. Because I'd just come from there, I thought Richmond was the most boring and lame-o place ever. The buildings were not impressive. I was very ready to write it off.

The next morning, I left my key in the admissions office before going to class, and the seats had all these pillows made from T-shirts. They had one of those cool one-off coffeemakers that also makes tea and whatnot, with those little cups, you know? The first class I went to, something about Ethics, was really good. The professor started by asking for prayer requests and saying a prayer. She was very funny and mentioned that she'd written a recommendation for one of the guys in the class. "Did you know that every time I write a recommendation for someone, they think that person has to be black? Like they don't think I would write a recommendation for a white person!" She's black. Later, a friend told me that her nephew is Nick Cannon, who was in Drumline and is married to Mariah Carey. "I found out that my nephew got married by watching Entertainment Tonight! I thought we were a close family!" she had said at the time.

After class, I went to the admissions office for a couple of talks, one with the dean of students and one with the financial aid person. But first, they told me I got in! They hadn't finalized the financial aid package but said it would be better than Princeton's. (That's how they put it, too. "We'll do better than Princeton." Just kidding!) Summer school starts in July, and they recommended that I go this summer. It sounds like a great way to adjust to living there and ease into having a full load.

The place I stayed was a one-bedroom apartment. Its condition and workmanship weren't anything special, but it was very spacious, with a study and a storage room. I've been assuming I want an apartment as opposed to a dorm, for various reasons, one of which is that I don't want to live in an already-furnished place. My tour guide mentioned that she might ask the housing people to take some of her dorm furniture out so she could bring her own, and I'd never thought of that! So I asked to see a dorm after all. It was much nicer than the apartment! Hardwood floors! Private bathroom! The one I visited basically had two rooms, at least one of which was much bigger than mine. The only disadvantage from an apartment is sharing a kitchen, but it seemed like people are pretty respectful about shelf space and not eating each other's food. There are two ovens, so the likelihood of both being in use is small. They did say that particular dorm might be full, and the other one is apparently not so great. It was a pleasant surprise, though, that at least the one dorm is so nice.

At chapel, the preacher was a professor there and a Davidson grad. His sermon was very good. We had a community lunch afterward, and I went to a class on theories of religious education, which was also very thought-provoking. I had a lot of trouble keeping my mouth shut, actually, because there were so many good ideas flying around.

I met with another professor who's also a Davidson grad, then had dinner with friends and hit the road, spinning with delight and dismay. Oh, well. No one ever told me it would be an easy or clear-cut decision. I'm very blessed to have had that trip and seen so many people I already knew as well as meeting new folks. I learned a lot, and now I have a bit more time to consider the various factors. I very much look forward to seeing how this will all turn out.