Here I Am Again

Not exactly on my own, but back after such a glorious four days or so at Mom and Dad's house for Thanksgiving. I didn't do anything I didn't want to do! And I did a lot of stuff I did want to do, like watching Date Night and eating excellent food and walking around the neighborhood and reading old New York Timeses.

And then I came here. There were a lot of tears on the way back. It's the first time I've been upset to come back to Wilmington, and one of very few times I've not wanted to return to any place I've lived. It seems to mark the point where it's clear that a move is coming. Without Lyndsay here, and with Lindsey in an important relationship, with most of my school friends finna graduate and move on, with people talking about not having supper club and with too many other changes spinning me around, the town loses much of its sparkle. Sure, downtown is sweet, sure there's a selection of beaches, but with no one to enjoy them with, what's the point? Today, I'd rather rip off the band-aid and start over somewhere new than stay here and watch things deteriorate. Both options are pretty unpleasant, but the idea of something new has its familiar pull. So the relentless search continues, as the emotional and logistical sides of the problem take turns being front and center. Mostly I just want to lie down.

In Date Night, there's a scene where Tina Fey tells Steve Carell (her husband) how hard it is for her to handle everything, how exhausted she is with all of her responsibilities. You've seen twice how she asks him to do something and then decides it'd be easier to do it herself. So during this conversation, Steve says, "You know what would make some of those things a whole lot easier? Me." He says she doesn't trust him to do things right, so she takes everything on herself instead. And he may use too much jelly on the PB&J, or he may buy the wrong kind of toy, but he says he will surprise her. And he genuinely wants to do these things and anything else he can to help.

At the time, it was a sweet scene and a pointed observation about how many couples operate. But later, as I thought it over, I realized I'm just like Tina Fey's character in that way. There's a way things should be done, and I'm the one who has it figured out. Other people might mess things up, but more importantly, I am resistant to letting even God handle things for me. I'm so insistent on my system that I leave no room for any aid, even from the best helper in the universe. So now I'm at that wretched-in-the-pit-of-my-stomach point where I know what change I need to make but am not at all excited about making it. Because it involves change, not just changing circumstances which can sometimes be fun, but changing myself. Changing who I am and how I think and feel. It also requires trust, which I've almost given up on ever having or understanding. And humility. And a dozen other qualities I don't even know I need.

So here's to holidays like Thanksgiving where family and love and food and fun can help us forget how much work we have ahead of us. To quiet car rides that help us remember. To towns like Wilmington where the friend parade never stops, and to the future, where we'll at least have another day's worth of experience to help us figure things out.