Ohhhhhh, man.

This morning I couldn't find my favorite mug. The purple one Dr. Wills gave me for graduation. It was amazing and shameful how much I let that affect me. I used another mug for my coffee, of course, but it gnawed at me all day. I keep getting these probably-comical-from-the-outside tests, reminders that I'm not the queen anymore. The funny thing is, I think I only became the queen over the last two years while I lived alone. I don't remember being this way in college, or in any of the places I lived for the year afterward. But over the last two years, I just settled into being in charge, in control, just the way I like it. And it's not that way anymore. This morning with the mug was just such a wake-up call to how far I have to go until I am really free from the need for control and I can let God be in control. It feels like I have to run seventeen miles, but I don't have time to get my shoes, and there's no water to drink, and everyone else is going the other way watching me fall apart. And it's on that soft non-packed sand that doesn't let you go fast. And I guess whatever's at the end of the run is great, that's what everyone says, but so few people have been there, I'm not entirely sure it's going to be worth it. It's just scary. I will never understand why God doesn't make things easy. I can only hope to stop resenting it.

But I did make a more or less successful kettle corn today, after my other efforts had resulted in nasty burned sugar and even small instantaneous fires. And when I went for my bike ride and walk/run, all the emotional mess lifted from me for the whole time I was out. Like my mom says, "Endorphins are real!" So the day wasn't a total loss.